The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Well, that should do it
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC