Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
When I snag the last meatball.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.