Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
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me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”