[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
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It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.