I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
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I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Sharon I have some bad news
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
My inexpensive home security system…
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy