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I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling