a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
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Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
is this meant to deter me
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This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*