“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
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I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
#parenting
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
i wish we could shoplift online
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me: