You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
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Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Kids forever killing vibes 💀