to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
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Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?