Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
You Might Also Like
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.