*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
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When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
And that about sums it up.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me: