another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
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People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
☺️
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
My Sentiments Exactly
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
We all have our pet causes.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?