7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
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[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
The game has officially changed 😎
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
this is the most humiliating day of my life