7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
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The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby