@Hect0rMayorga

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

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@ThatEricAlper

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

@living_marble

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

@WheelTod

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

@Shariv67

Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.

@iwearaonesie

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

@batkaren

Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.

@joerogan

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

@tarashoe

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

@david8hughes

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

@JasonLastname

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.