They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

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That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.


Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.


I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.


Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.


*turns TV off*

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3


Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.


Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.


ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth


[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything


Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.