They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
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me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes