I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
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“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
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