“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
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Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up