My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
You Might Also Like
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.