Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
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Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us