Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
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Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable