Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
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[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
this chia pet tastes awful
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Go hard or stay average
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH