Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
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Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Is your wife single?
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
#catsoftwitter
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.