THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
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I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Happy Taco Tuesday
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
How do you milk an almond?
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.