It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
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Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Baking is just science you can eat.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I know this now 😂
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.