I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
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Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Close call…
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
So creative 😂