I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
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Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Blew out my flip flop…
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’