hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
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Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.