Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
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Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.