Has there ever been a more American story?
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Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
new wife guy just dropped
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.