In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
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my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’