*controversially pours a glass of milk*
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Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Mmmm. Shoeshi