I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
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First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.