indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
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Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING