Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
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Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”