My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
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Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*