It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
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Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft