Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
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Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
my mind
You just read my mind
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.