one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

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I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom


*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*


If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.


My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.


my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair


My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.


ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough


My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”