@OBiiieeee

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

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@Reverend_Scott

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Amazon.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.

@awsten

LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN

@ShortSleeveSuit

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

@ninjadinosaur1

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

@MadHatterMommy

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

@daemonic3

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

@ThatMummyLife

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

@WritePlay

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

@LoveNLunchmeat

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

@rn_murse

A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.