one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
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I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.