[kisses daughter goodnight]
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
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LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.