Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
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you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled