“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
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Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
My what?
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it