Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
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If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
*cough*
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.