My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
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I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”