Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
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Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I feel seen
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”