What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
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Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.