This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
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My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Do not steal food from the science building!
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined