Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
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ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.