Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
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Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.