HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
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My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
this has done me in for some reason
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying