I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
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DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
This is my pinned tweet
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key