People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
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Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous